those postpartum blues are real.
i feel sad... why do I feel sad? i smell my baby's head. I see my children run and play. Yet I feel sad.
My husband asks me a question. I did not want to answer. I did not want to converse at all. Like there is no reason to talk so why answer. I know it's rude. But why am I mean to him? He did not do anything wrong.
It's 11:45pm. Instead of sleeping when my baby sleeps, I am here sitting at the loveseat, staring at the moonless, cloudy night. I did not do this before. I was either knocked out because I need sleep or busy, busy, busy doing something and checking off my to-do list. Yet I am sitting here, about to cry.
Cry... Those postpartum blues are real. Why am I suddenly crying for no reason?
I am sleep-deprived. I am tired. I am adjusting. I am constantly counting how many children are in my field of vision. If not all 5 are accounted for, I go through my head where one (or two or more!) child(ren) is/are located.
Thoughts of failure and defeat enter my mind. I try to push them away. But they keep coming back. I just cry. Cry... then hopefully afterwards I will feel so much better. lighter.
That's the hope, at least.
Photo taken by hubs. Postpartum blues has not hit me yet. Just the tired face of a mama who went through an unmedicated birth.
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Prayers, mama. It's real. Have you ever done progesterone injections during your postpartum? I started after baby number one and now it's a staple in our pp routine. I have had some gnarly encounters with PP depression, but the progesterone is literally like a biological lifeline injecting some normalcy and balance into the wild, hormone fueled adjustment. It's totally without risk to baby (or milk supply), I encourage all new mamas to talk to their doctors or midwives about it. I hope you find the help you need, your'e not alone or crazy.
ReplyDeleteI've heard about the progesterone injections doing wonders too, Sarah! Prayers and hugs for you- I def. get the blues, tears, and crazy emotions postpartum.
ReplyDeleteAnd when we were in Hawaii Tim and I were talking about how we were constantly counting kids (our girls and cousins made 7)- it's an adjustment for sure!