3.10.2021

the despair was real

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There are a lot of talking points after Oprah’s interview with MxH but one thing that struck me most was the feeling of hopelessness and survivability. 


It is true that one will never know what truly happens behind closed doors. Behind the smiles and the extravagant clothes, you can find pain and hopelessness and sadness.


I am a cheerful and optimistic person. When I had the worst of my depression,  I had thoughts of guilt and hopelessness. I had suicidal thoughts.


You may think: what is she sad about? She has a wonderful husband and healthy children? She has all these clothes, shoes and purses? Why is she sad and depressed and wanting to end her life? 


I was asked and told those things. 


In truth, when one is in the pit of despair whatever might have triggered it, the illness is real. For me, my trigger was multifactorial. I had a baby who had a different temperament than my previous one. I had trouble losing postpartum weight which affected my mood. I worked 80-hour work weeks during residency treating real, scary medical diagnoses. ICU patients were sick and at death’s door. It was the perfect storm for my already anxious mind. It wasn’t a light switch but instead a slow, progression to the bottom. 


 Now that I am feeling better, I know that it is ridiculous to end my life. It is a horrible thought. But at that moment, during that season, the despair is real. The thoughts were real. 


If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts:

- ASK FOR HELP. It took me a long time to ask but I’m glad I did. I was ashamed and afraid that I was “weak.” Now I know those are the thoughts of a troubled mind. I wasn’t weak to ask for help. Making an appt to see the psychologist, calling the doctor, that was a step not just for me but also for my family. 


If you can do something today, ask one person how they are doing. Really, really wait for their answer. Check up on a friend you haven’t talked to in awhile. Let them know you are present to hear,  not just the peaks and joys of their lives, but the valleys, the pit of despair they might be in. 

📷: @dianastlouis 


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